You Cannot Defeat a Person Who Is Having Fun

I was worried when I turned 25 that my life was amounting to nothing and that I had done something wrong or missed big opportunities, but looking back now, I realize my only crime is that I am in my 20s. There is nothing that can be done, and this is the time to feel all of this. In this generation of constant competition and super-awareness of who is doing what, the critic becoming worse and controlling you is likely.

And yet, I think a lot about how we all have a critic and we simply never realize how toxic it eventually becomes. All of our insecurities, negative emotions, and fears of being judged come from that entity. For most, it operates in a very simple way: a negative comment from an external entity is noted, while an active compliment is forgotten. The critic is the reason you don’t feel good about a compliment, but criticism is taken to heart.

To understand why, I have thought long and really hard about it (I know what you are going to say), and I realized that there are various personas of ourselves. I am not talking about the ones we show to others. These are inner angels and demons. There is a part that is developed when we live our teenage years until we get out of college. Think of the teenage one as having high energy to execute but low capability to make smart decisions. The teen version comes out when you are in a new environment, maybe? Or, basically, when you try uncharted territories or simply go into survival mode.

Then, there is an adult version of us that is developed to accommodate this new life post-academics. This guy thinks more and does less, with high thinking capability but low execution energy. Then, there is you, who eventually becomes conscious of both of them. The ‘You’ who is able to see both of these versions is an observer and the real consciousness behind ‘You’. Technically, it is also YOU. In psychology, these are called the ‘id’ (the teen), the ‘superego’ (the adult), and the ‘ego’ (the observer).

Internally, I feel the critic—which acts as the toxic ‘superego’—usually attacks the ‘id’ because it is more vulnerable. The conscious observer, your ‘ego’, is honestly a good alternative to the critic, and you should try to replace it with it. Note down how the critic fools you, manipulates you, and puts unbearable expectations on you. Try to reason with them as an adult, and then you might be ready to battle your critic better. Eventually, you realize that this isn’t you anymore, but you did it; you feel like you are going back to your old habits and ways, which might seem depressing or good depending on how you perceive that. You definitely question it.

The real solution, and my real point for writing this article, was exactly this: how to understand what is going on, figure out the solution, and become a kid again when it comes to achieving something. I forgot to add that there is an extension to the teen called ‘the kid’ (not a psychological ontology). This guy is awesome; he does everything just for the fun of it.

For me, I used to use hate from the critic on my teen to get things done; it was a great motivator, but really bad for the long term. Burnout was imminent. I was complaining that I was doing everything that I wanted, but I didn’t feel satisfied even though I was doing everything my way. There was a lingering part that was performing for the audience. Eventually, I took breaks—major ones—from things I was great at. But now that I see it, I want to do all those things again, not for the audience, or power, or fame, but for the fun of it. You cannot reason with or defeat a person who is having fun.

When you reach this point, there is a certain comfort because there is no show going on anymore, no performance to be led, just a life to be lived. There are days and moments when I am so genuine to myself that it makes me feel lucky to be alive, like the movie ‘Soul’. I feel that even though I might not become someone, at least my life will be more happily fulfilled than forced or rushed. It is 100% a privilege, but what isn’t? Am I right? Although, I am recognizing it more and more with gratitude.

Being alone and doing things alone (not being lonely) will open you to thoughts you won’t believe you were capable of thinking. Also, all in all, life works out, so it is better to live it than worry too much about it. You are such a beautiful human being; give yourself some grace. :)